A Daughter’s First Love

Tomorrow is Father’s Day and unfortunately one of the hardest days for me to get through. The others are obviously the anniversary of his death and his birthday.  

Social media doesn’t help either. Watching everyone post their favourite pictures with their dads. Meanwhile I’m slowly running out of pictures (I mean that #tbt thing is getting annoying anyways).  Going through the photo albums are especially sad because Dad was usually the one behind the camera so pictures are limited.  

I’ve imagined the sliding doors scenarios, what my life would look like if he wasn’t taken away from me. Hundreds of scenarios… Then I wake up and I’m still in this nightmare. 

This year I’m spending the day with my boyfriends family. I have to smile and pretend to be okay, which I’m sure for the most part I will be, but I know there will be a part of me will be breaking inside.

*deep breaths*
One day at a time right… 

Running away

I got fired. Or let go. Whichever one you prefer. So I ran away. Literally. 

I’m currently writing this from an island in the Caribbean by the pool. I’m supposed to feel calm and relaxed but not yet. I’m anxious and feeling like I’m forgetting to do something. That something is probably wake up and go to work! 

Alas, life happens. So I’m going to try to enjoy these next few weeks in Paradise. Then face reality when I get back home. 

I found out a few more people got “let go” from work.

  1. I actually was not fired due to my performance. Which is a huge relief. I’ve been replaying possible reasons why for over a week. Nightmares and endless day “dreams”. Can’t really call them daydreams now can I. When I spoke to my boss a few days after,  he assured me it had nothing to do with performance but more so the “company changing directions” which still sounds like a load of crap. 
  2. The company is pretty effed up. 

    In the end, after tanning in the sun, eating all the good food and drinking all that rum… There’s still an empty feeling inside that apparently even paradise doesn’t fix. So, now what? 

    Sounds a bit whiney doesn’t it. I hate that feeling, something amazing taking place this moment in time, but because other things aren’t falling into place the whole world means nothing. 

    *insert quote about not being able to run away from your problems….. 

    That *bleeping* clock

    “Don’t compare”

    It’s a lot harder than it is though. I’m 32. In my head, I should be married, 2nd child on the way while worrying about things like chicken pox and head lice. God had a different plan. Instead I’m 32 worrying about a job. Not even a career….just a job. Finding that damn job.

    I went out with some of my girl friends last night. Relatively new friends, but great nonetheless. It was a card party (Ever heard of Stampinup? it’s pretty fun). A lady came over and we had to introduce ourselves and tell our favourite guilty pleasure food. Each friend went around and introduced themselves. But then something strange happened, they each mentioned how many kids they had and what ages they were. I sat there thinking shit! she didn’t ask this though! Instant pang of fear and worry. Side note: My saving grace is I don’t look 32, the youngest I’ve been told I look was 25 which is great for instances like this (“She’s young, she probably doesn’t have kids anyway”). I was completely left out as the night went on and these ladies continuously spoke about their children. I had no life experiences to toss at them, and I was quickly running out of “yeah my friends kid does that too”.

    It’s a question that is constantly asked of 30somethings. “When are you getting married?”, “When are you having children?” I wish I knew. I really did. But things don’t really pan out the way you think they are when you sit with your friends in your teens and map out your life. If you told 13yo me that I’d be 32 and still living at home with my mom, and not married and childless, 13yo me probably would have called you a liar (and cried, she’s a tad dramatic).

    Fortunately or unfortunately, this is the way my life is right now. I have to believe all these pieces will fall into place eventually, and all this is happening for a reason. (I HATE that damn saying).

    The day after

    Sometimes things happen and we don’t know why.
    I was “let go” from work yesterday. “We’ve decided not to continue with employment past probation effective immediately”. Well…shit.

    “Have faith”
    “Everything happen for a reason”

    Those are the words constantly thrown at you. It’s a little harder than that though isn’t it. 2017 was supposed to be different. I know a lot of people have high expectations when a new year starts. “new year new me” But last year I took a GIANT leap of faith where I fell, crashed and burned. (I’ll leave that for another post) Therefore this year was going to be my saving grace. The light at the end of the tunnel was getting supposedly brighter. Alas that light turned out to be that metaphorical train that smashed into me head on and, for a lack of better words, ruined everything. I finally had something I thought I was good at, I thought I was doing a good job. I guess I thought wrong.

    Maybe I got too happy. You know what they say…the moment you let your guards down and let the sunshine in, is the minute it all goes to hell and the sun burns the crap out of you.

    Maybe one day the sun will leave a nice tan instead of a sunburn.